Recently, I had a very sweet lady send me a message on FB saying that she's been reading my blog and is in amazement at my positive attitude and outlook on life. Though it is flattering to receive such compliments, I have to admit, it's simply not true.
I have battled with clinical depression since I was 18. I wasn't put on medications until I started developing suicidal thoughts during my cancer treatments. Still, I struggle with it on a daily basis and lately it seems that my old demons are knocking on my door again. Lately, crying seems to be a normal activity and anger is starting to appear, which when anger comes, he always brings his cousin, bitterness, along for the ride. Have I thought about ending it all? I'm not going to sit here and lie anymore; I have. It's hard being in pain constantly when you are "supposed" to be healing well. It's hard to do the activities they say you are supposed to when waking up in the morning seems like the biggest task of the day. And I'm not going to lie to you all anymore. This fucking sucks and I'm having a hard time dealing with it.
I don't want people to look at me and think of me as this "superhero" woman that deals with things so well and with grace and pride. I mean, I WISH that was true, but it would all be a facade and on the Internet, it's easy to say, "it's all in God's hands and things will be okay!" when on the inside, I'm breaking apart, little by little. I pray, I recite bible verses, I sing songs, I read encouraging things but no matter what, nothing seems to make a difference. My pain doesn't leave my body, neither does the bitterness, the anger. I mean, really God, cancer wasn't enough? Now a brain tumor? Oh and now the pain isn't lessening and they think I'm leaking brain fluid? Oh awesome! Here, let me plaster on this fake smile and tell everyone that I'm okay and I completely trust in the Lord and I know everything will be a-okay.
It's easy to do, for a while, but the cracks are starting to show and I don't think I'm fooling people as well as I have been. To be honest, I'm glad. I'm glad that people are starting to see the facade breaking. I'm glad that maybe for one minute, I can take off this ill-fitting mask, and show everyone that I'm not okay and that people who deal with medical issues, whether it been cancer or a brain tumor or anything else that causes them pain, are not okay either and it's unfair and honestly, quite cruel that we, the people that are suffering the most, have to fake our happiness for the people around us because if we tell them how we feel, if for a moment we let it slip, it makes them uncomfortable to deal with our emotions and it scares them off. Or we get the pity looks, or we get the hand pats and the "God knows best" speeches.
God DOES know best, this I know for sure and I trust in Him, but I'm not going to lie to Him or myself, sometimes I doubt and sometimes I go, "are you SURE about this God?" or I ask the ever forbidden question, "WHY GOD?!" Sometimes I get angry at Him, somedays I cry out for His comfort, and somedays, I am just silent and listening for one single sound from Him.
So the cat's out of the bag! I'm not this strong, amazing woman that people think I am. I keep the mask on not for myself, but for others. My mom is sick and though she tries her best, she cannot support me the way I need to be supported right now. I feel guilty burdening her with my issues, so I remain silent. I don't call people at 3am, when it seems like the world is falling apart the most, when the pain is at its worst, because they have jobs and need to sleep. People don't need to be burdened with my issues because they have their own. So I post here. I spill my guts here, not for comments, not for sympathy and certainly not for pity. I want someone to read this, and to say, "hey, I'm NOT the only one that feels like this" and I want them to know that there is someone out there, listening to John Mayer at 3am and praying that one day, this pain and trial that we are dealing with will all make perfect sense, someday.
And we pray that the someday is soon.
-Liz
No comments:
Post a Comment