and the voice of truth says, "do not be afraid.."

I'm so tired of thinking about medical issues. I'm tired of waiting around for my doctor to review my lab results so I can find out if I have to have ANOTHER brain surgery here in the near future. I'm tired of thinking about medical things and making sure that I don't push myself too hard. I'm tired of being tired so early at night, still not sleeping, then sleeping all day, only to wake up still exhausted. I'm tired of sitting around all day doing nothing instead of going back to work and school.

I wish I had other people's problems. I wish I was having issues with my school, or problems at work because they are so much better than what I have been dealing with. I'm constantly on Xanax because if I don't take it, I'm an emotional mess.

I don't WANT to go through another surgery. AT ALL. One brain surgery in my lifetime was enough and the possibility of another one happening is almost suffocating. But the thing that is probably the most maddening is the unknown of it all. I DON'T know if I have to have another surgery. I DON'T know what's going on with my body. I DON'T know when I'll be able to go back to work/school. It's the "I don't knows" that is killing me. I try to keep myself busy. I work out, I spend time with family, I clean, I watch TV, I listen to music, I drive around, I take sleeping pills and anything else I can do to not think. But there are times, right before you fall asleep, when everything is silent, when the thoughts come back and that's when I feel the crushing weight of it all.

I know there are others out there that have it much worst than I do, and I am in awe of them for their strength in it all. I mean, my friend Ashley was facing death and though I know she was scared, she clung to Christ and is still doing it. She is my hero and my inspiration to get up, to live, to continue clinging to Christ the same way I have since I was a little girl.

People who are not religious do not understand, and some of them think you are crazy when you mention it, but I feel God. I feel Him in my life. When at night, when all the thoughts are choking me, I feel His arms around me, and I am reminded of bible verses and hymns from my youth. And suddenly, the night is not so dark, and the waves are not so high. Suddenly, it seems possible to get through this. To open my eyes and say, "I will get through this day no matter what."

So tomorrow, if I get my results and it shows another tumor, I will remind myself that God will see me through this, just like He has done in the past, and will continue to do in the future. I'm scared, and I will not deny that fear, but if God is for me, who can be against me?

-Liz